We'll Just Have to... Heat It Up!!!

If you're as passionate about both corn mazes and Sarah Palin as I am, it's been an agonizing couple of weeks for you. You've had to either stay in and repeatedly watch the Sarahcuda rise to the challenge of Sean Hannity's tough but fair questions as her interview loops on Fox News Classic, or venture outdoors in search of exhilarating, entertaining, fun-for-ages-8-to-88 corn mazes.  But not both.

Thanks to the fine folks over the fine folks over at the Obee Road Corn Maze of Whitehouse, OH, you no longer have to make that choice. Based on a 100-0 (+-0%) lead in corn visages, I am now prepared to call Ohio for McCain-Palin 37 days ahead of time, just as I called Florida three weeks ago after 13,000 superfans in the student section of the FSU/Eastern Carolina showdown spontaneously began chanting "U! S! A!" and to a lesser extent, "Drill, baby, drill*."

In other news, if America is not a smoldering pile of wreckage before 2011, National Treasure 3 is waiting for us there. I think we need to make it a goal to prop up the economy until then by whatever pyramid scheme, credit default, or door-to-door knife sales necessary. After we watch Benajmin Gates find the mythical Ranch of Dressing as writ on Page 47 of the Book of Secrets, we can admit we've had a good run as a country and pack it in, but Dammit! Not before then.

*Somewhat misleading, as I tried to start this one.

An Open Letter to Residents of Sub-Saharan Africa, Concerning Economic Opportunities in the United States of America

Greeting!

I, Hank, am from son of Treasury Minister of Republic of U.S. America. Thanks to recent crisis in my country causes strong need for large transfer of funds numbering of the $700 BILLION America. If you would assist me in this matter in friendship and secret trust, you will to be the most profitable. Before hour numbering of the 24, you sending the wire routing fees of the $70 BILLIONS America to HankBailOut08 of the PayPaal.com (PLEASE REMEMBEING THE EXTRA A), I will replied of immediate with detail information is regards cashier check drawn on bank WASHINGTOWN MUTAIL U.S.A. about safeguards to protect funds in sprit of trust and honor!!!

Friends, in GOD,
Mr. Hanry M. Paulson III

You're not in middle school anymore when...

people assume you know what AD&D stands for, and its an accidental death and dismemberment clause.

Paul Simon on Yankee Stadium

"Songs Open Doors to the Inner Sanctum" in today's NY Times.  

Even though I hate the Yankees, I can appreciate it.  

Not to Be Outdone: College Two: TWO: The Deconstructinating

Today marks my fourth official day as a graduate student (yes, we started on Sunday with a film screening - clearly, I am in pagan territory).  So far, I have read and been lectured on a nausea-inducing quantity of Freud, met Dungeons and Dragon-playing hippies, and encountered a former FSU student who is a self-professed "big fan of beer and dancin'."  In the wake of such excessively qualitative, humanities-ish flakiness, here is my time in Chicago broken down into discrete, numerical data packets (I may be misusing all of the last four words, but I wouldn't know).  

Starbucks Vivanno Smoothies Consumed: 9

Homeless Men Who Have Asked Me for My Number: 3

Homeless Men Who Have Shown Me Their "Office" and Tried to Sell Me a Stolen TV: 1 

Men Who Have Threatened to Set Their Dogs on Me: 1 

Elderly Korean Ladies Who Run Through the Park While Dribbling a Basketball: 1 

Personal LCD TV Screens Available for Use in the Cardio Rotunda of the Athletic Center: 37 

Effete, Argula-Selling Greenmarkets in Walking Distance of My Apartment: 3 

Times I Have Almost Set My Kitchen on Fire: 2 (but they fixed my gas line, so it's fine now!)

Days Until I Receive My Stipend Check: 12 

Hours of Food Network Watched Out of Boredom While Waiting for Classes to Start: Lots (I suddenly understand why Rachel Ray is such a hateful individual) 

Contestants Left in Cycle 11 of America's Next Top Model: 11 

The last two might suggest why I am canceling my cable at the end of the month.  At some point, I'm sure I'll actually learn something.  In the meantime, gotta watch all those SciFi original movies while I still can.  

Chilean Teens in Crisis

The NYT with some solid reportage on Chilean makeout parties. 

Zap!

This should be on a 24-hour loop at Guantanamo Bay.