Merry Christmas

Here is a video of "Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)," as covered by the ShowBiz Pizza robot band:



WARNING: DO NOT WATCH UNDER INFLUENCE OF LSD.

Now biofuels are the problem?

This is a deeply depressing article about the effect the massive expansion of investment in biofuels has had on forests and wetlands worldwide. Anyone know this guy Tom Searchinger at Princeton?

The best laid plans of mice...

Or There are no cats in Canada...

Oh my god. This is the worst thing, ever. Thank God Natalie Portman's Jewish.

No... There Is Another...

Breaking developments in the world of Memories this week, as it appears an Austrian company has made a strong move to continue manufacturing instant film. While PolaPremium is currently selling the tail end of Polaroid's production run, the Polaroid community is ablaze with rumours that the company has purchased the all-important machine stock and plans to re-start production in 2009. While the unfavorable currency conversion and $25 shipping charges from Europe limit the usefulness of PolaPremium, it's certainly encouraging that a credible hope exists. As for my part, I've stockpiled instant film reserves necessary to keep shooting at current rates through December 21, 2012, so I can wait and see how this plays out. 

Speaking of, here's the trailer for 2012: THE MOVIE, coming next year. From the director of Independence Day. So you know it's good!

Peak Spam

Breaking: Hormel unable to keep up with exploding demand for Spam.

FailBlog

You've probably seen this already, but just in case you haven't... 

FAIL.  

Santos: The Hands of Fate

Politico with an odd convergence between the Obama Administration (that still sounds weird) and the last season of "West Wing."

Also, IL Lotto winning numbers were 6-6-6 yesterday. Beast Government, +1? Barackalypse 12/21/2012??

Grad school Halloween

Except it's not Halloween... it's Samhain (I have friends in the Divinity School).  And I know people who will be dressed up as the Lacanian phallus, the Other, and Sexy Slavoj Zizek.  These kids give Tom and his penumbra from last year a run for their money.  Of course, I also know a guy from Ontario who's going as Canadian bacon.  We like to mix up the level of discourse here at UChicago.  Apparently.  

Also, overheard immediately after my theory course lecture: 

Girl: Hey!  Hey you!  

Dude:  *turns around*  STOP INTERPELLATING ME!  

Free Junk Food Digest

Free crunchy taco on 10/28 (my birthday!!), courtesy of Taco Bell.

Free Dr Pepper, courtesy of Axl Rose and NOT courtesy of Buckethead, or Slash.

This one's for Truch

(partly because I'm pretty sure nobody else reads this...) 

Whyyyy, Lotto, whyyyy?  

Similarly

Which reminds me:

[Exiting gym]

"Yo, after this, let's listen to some Jack Johnson and just bro out."

Not made up.

UChicagobatim

Overheard outside the business school.  

Tool on cellphone: "That is a lie.  I think you are SO much hotter than Sarah Palin."  

We'll Just Have to... Heat It Up!!!

If you're as passionate about both corn mazes and Sarah Palin as I am, it's been an agonizing couple of weeks for you. You've had to either stay in and repeatedly watch the Sarahcuda rise to the challenge of Sean Hannity's tough but fair questions as her interview loops on Fox News Classic, or venture outdoors in search of exhilarating, entertaining, fun-for-ages-8-to-88 corn mazes.  But not both.

Thanks to the fine folks over the fine folks over at the Obee Road Corn Maze of Whitehouse, OH, you no longer have to make that choice. Based on a 100-0 (+-0%) lead in corn visages, I am now prepared to call Ohio for McCain-Palin 37 days ahead of time, just as I called Florida three weeks ago after 13,000 superfans in the student section of the FSU/Eastern Carolina showdown spontaneously began chanting "U! S! A!" and to a lesser extent, "Drill, baby, drill*."

In other news, if America is not a smoldering pile of wreckage before 2011, National Treasure 3 is waiting for us there. I think we need to make it a goal to prop up the economy until then by whatever pyramid scheme, credit default, or door-to-door knife sales necessary. After we watch Benajmin Gates find the mythical Ranch of Dressing as writ on Page 47 of the Book of Secrets, we can admit we've had a good run as a country and pack it in, but Dammit! Not before then.

*Somewhat misleading, as I tried to start this one.

An Open Letter to Residents of Sub-Saharan Africa, Concerning Economic Opportunities in the United States of America

Greeting!

I, Hank, am from son of Treasury Minister of Republic of U.S. America. Thanks to recent crisis in my country causes strong need for large transfer of funds numbering of the $700 BILLION America. If you would assist me in this matter in friendship and secret trust, you will to be the most profitable. Before hour numbering of the 24, you sending the wire routing fees of the $70 BILLIONS America to HankBailOut08 of the PayPaal.com (PLEASE REMEMBEING THE EXTRA A), I will replied of immediate with detail information is regards cashier check drawn on bank WASHINGTOWN MUTAIL U.S.A. about safeguards to protect funds in sprit of trust and honor!!!

Friends, in GOD,
Mr. Hanry M. Paulson III

You're not in middle school anymore when...

people assume you know what AD&D stands for, and its an accidental death and dismemberment clause.

Paul Simon on Yankee Stadium

"Songs Open Doors to the Inner Sanctum" in today's NY Times.  

Even though I hate the Yankees, I can appreciate it.  

Not to Be Outdone: College Two: TWO: The Deconstructinating

Today marks my fourth official day as a graduate student (yes, we started on Sunday with a film screening - clearly, I am in pagan territory).  So far, I have read and been lectured on a nausea-inducing quantity of Freud, met Dungeons and Dragon-playing hippies, and encountered a former FSU student who is a self-professed "big fan of beer and dancin'."  In the wake of such excessively qualitative, humanities-ish flakiness, here is my time in Chicago broken down into discrete, numerical data packets (I may be misusing all of the last four words, but I wouldn't know).  

Starbucks Vivanno Smoothies Consumed: 9

Homeless Men Who Have Asked Me for My Number: 3

Homeless Men Who Have Shown Me Their "Office" and Tried to Sell Me a Stolen TV: 1 

Men Who Have Threatened to Set Their Dogs on Me: 1 

Elderly Korean Ladies Who Run Through the Park While Dribbling a Basketball: 1 

Personal LCD TV Screens Available for Use in the Cardio Rotunda of the Athletic Center: 37 

Effete, Argula-Selling Greenmarkets in Walking Distance of My Apartment: 3 

Times I Have Almost Set My Kitchen on Fire: 2 (but they fixed my gas line, so it's fine now!)

Days Until I Receive My Stipend Check: 12 

Hours of Food Network Watched Out of Boredom While Waiting for Classes to Start: Lots (I suddenly understand why Rachel Ray is such a hateful individual) 

Contestants Left in Cycle 11 of America's Next Top Model: 11 

The last two might suggest why I am canceling my cable at the end of the month.  At some point, I'm sure I'll actually learn something.  In the meantime, gotta watch all those SciFi original movies while I still can.  

Chilean Teens in Crisis

The NYT with some solid reportage on Chilean makeout parties. 

Zap!

This should be on a 24-hour loop at Guantanamo Bay.

Women in the workplace

I just read this article from the NYTimes and I'm curious about whether it's true. If any of you have any actual experience with this or thoughts, I'd be curious to hear them.

Today is the best day of my life

Because Hydrox cookies are coming back!  

Truch hoarded Polaroid film.  I will hoard Hydrox cookies.  You should, too, because they are a million times more delicious than the popular-but-inferior Oreo, and if enough people buy them they might come back permanently.  3-2-1-DO IT.  

Overheard at State School #1: Gender Relations

[Scene: Two bros swapping off sets on the arm press at the FSU gym.]

Bro #1: ...man, I'm over Florida girls, they're so corrupted.

Bro #2: You need to move up to Georgia, get yourself a Georgia peach. They got plenty of girls like that up there.

Bro #1: Yeah, that's what I'm looking for, a real southern belle. Pure. 

Bro #2: You should go to a [Georgia] Tech game sometime, you could meet a girl like that up there pretty easily, I bet.

Bro #1: Uh huh.

Bro #2: You got to hang with the fraternities if you go though, otherwise it's all Indians and Asians. 

Bro #1: Yeah, but I want the girl to be [pause]... untainted.

Bro #2: [pause] You mean like...  a virgin?

Bro #1: Yeah.

Bro #2: I don't know if I can guarantee that. But they got a ton of girls up there that dress real nice, that go to church every Sunday... that know their place, you know?

A ella le gusta la offshore drilling

Tom, this one's for you.

College TWO: Now with More Bros!

Stray observations from Week 1 in Tallahassee, the crown jewel of Florida's Waffle House Belt: 

-The student union at FSU has both a Chili's with full margarita bar, and a bowling alley with $1.25 games and $1.25 Bud Light (superior drinkability included at no extra charge). That's a commitment to novelty values I can support 100%.

-The student body president's name is Laymon R. Hicks.

-The nearest shopping plaza to my townhouse is a Dollar Tree, bowling alley, and Dollar General, in that order.

-"Tailgate games" is an intramural sport. Unknown if a dizzy bat is involved.

-A Pizza Hut lunch buffet is located fewer than 400 yards from the State Capitol.

Full report to follow. In general, an exhausting week, yet one that has filled me with that good, college-y feeling.

Also, indie types might be interested in this rather impressive cavalcade of free shows on campus this fall. Can you believe it? Keep in mind when you answer than this is rural north Florida, and the region's leading grocer is Piggly Wiggly.

Hils stole my piece of news.

And I can't figure out how to delete a post.

Penguin!

Knighthood! 

Exhale

Every one can exhale... I have in fact found my Goy? Fine by Me t-shirt. That is all.

(Not) Very Ape and (Not) Very Nice

Update: The so-called "Georgia Gorilla" has been outed as a hoax by the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization. The corpse was apparently a crude variant of this Halloween costume.

On the plus side, the BFRO is mounting a field expedition to search for the FL Skunk-Ape in rural North Florida on October 9-12. I don't know if I'll have time, but... intriguing.

Big, Dumb, Balding North American Ape

In the annals of human history, August 12, 2008 will be remembered for two things: the release of the Jonas Brothers' third album A Little Bit Longer, featuring the hit single "Burnin' Up," and the [potential] discovery of a Bigfoot corpse.

The press conference is Friday (in Palo Alto). Until then, get ready for two golden days of classic Internet hype!! I will be closely monitoring underground cryptozoological backchannels... stay tuned.

Obama Picks VP

It's Webb.

Unemployed in Chicago

I have gotten wind that X is in SF with Jon and Leo. They are drinking girly drinks in up-scale locales. The situation is intolerable. I'm going to make a request that everyone flying from east to west get a cheaper ticket by scheduling at least a one day stop-over in Chicago. I lost my job before it started, so I have unexpected time on my hands for probably a month or so and Keren doesn't start her job for two weeks so everyone stop flying over our heads.

s

Most ridiculous movie cast ever?

Cannonball Run, 1981.  Featuring, in alphabetical order: 

Jackie Chan

Sammy Davis, Jr. 

Dom DeLuise

Jamie Farr 

Farrah Fawcett

Peter Fonda 

Bianca Jagger 

Roger Moore

Burt Reynolds 

Also features Dave Mungenast, Sr. as "Kicked by Jackie Chan (uncredited)."  

It was only a matter of time

before someone tried to stop the Bono madness.  

Movies

No seriously.  Since, in addition to wearing carefully selected hipster apparel and glaring at anyone who dares rent a feature involving Vin Diesel, my job requires that I actually watch movies, I have taken liberal advantage of my free rentals at Rain City Video (that was a lot of clauses - sorry).  Especially since I can only sit in the dark reading Camus for so long before my eyes start to give out.  

This summer, I've watched a lot of Lynch (Mulholland Dr. still makes no fucking sense, I don't care what anyone says - Twin Peaks, however, is sweet, sweet melodramatic murder mystery goodness) and a lot of Bergman (between that and the Camus, it's impressive that I haven't tried to off myself yet).  However, my most satisfying movie-watching experience of this summer comes down to a tie between Raising Arizona and Repo Man.  The former is delightful Coen brothers mayhem, and, I think, their best comedic work to date (ok, maybe it's not funnier than The Big Lebowski and it's definitely not as quotable, but it's still really hilarious).  I hadn't seen it for a couple years, and if you haven't, I really recommend it.  The latter features a generous helping of Emilio Estevez rarely seen outside the Mighty Ducks movies or, say, The Breakfast Club.  If that's not enough for you, perhaps the aliens, neutron bombs, and hippie-bashing will draw you in.  

And, if your taste leans more to documentaries (or, just something that wasn't made in the 1980s), everyone loves movies about Donkey Kong.  Or the hyphy movement.  

In other news, there are no words for how profoundly bored I am.  

Phony Hatin'

I am sitting ontside the Rare Books Reading Room in Firestone Library.

I have just submitted two forms of government identification, filled out four authorized forms and been issued a special laminated Firestone photo ID.

In ten minutes, a metal box will arrive with J.D. Salinger's personal effects in it, and I will read the unpublished prequel to The Catcher in the Rye.

Not a joke.

Great article on Obama and Jackson

In my humble opinion.

We're the kids in America, whoa-oh

***A Weather Guy trash cultural investigation***

So as usual, I was out scouring Orlando's yards and garages for valuable junk at low, low prices this morning. After scoring a Florida State hoodie for $2 and an Orlando Sentinel CD case for 25 cents, I got the hot hand for some sweet 90s discs at ultimate bargain rates, eventually filling the case to the brim with these classics:

• Beck, Odelay
• Marcy Playground, Marcy Playground
• Oasis, Be Here Now
• OMC, How Bizarre
• R.E.M., Monster
• Squirrel Nut Zippers, Hot
• Sugar Ray, 14:59
• Third Eye Blind, Third Eye Blind
• Various artists, Clueless soundtrack
• Weezer, Weezer (1994)

Now, as the Orlando scene has badly stagnated, I'm leaving tomorrow at 7 AM for a two-week four-part tour of eastern U.S., first to "assistant coach" at a running camp in the North Carolina mountains, then visiting friends on Cape Cod, talking to my advisor in Princeton (!), and winding up in Jacksonville on the 27th. This is also known as abusing my standby privileges.

Anyway, inspired by this bumpin' decade-worth of trax, I'm taking the bold step of only listening to these 10 CDs for the next two weeks of travel. This means leaving the iPod at home, and dusting off a horribly scuffed Sony Discman that will probably not even work for more than an hour. This investigation hopes to address two key issues: first, what do OMC's nine other songs sound like? According to Wikipedia, no one has ever listened to the full CD. Second, the influence of catchy 90s pop-rock overconsumption on the human brain will also be probed. Speculation is that my Orbitz cravings will rise 83%, but beyond that, the effects are unknown.

At the end of the two weeks, I will file a partial report* detailing any lost gems unearthed or murderous somnambulism induced by the study treatment. Also, if you would a postcard detailing study progress from the field, leave your address in the comments.

*Wanna know the rest? Hey, buy the rights.

I am in love with this site.

It's called Cassette From My Ex, which wouldn't be a terrible name for a band, either.  All these different people contribute (some pretty well-known essayists, one of the backing vocalists from the Magnetic Fields) a couple paragraphs about mixtapes they've been given, explaining context and talking about the stories behind the songs on them, with the playlists included at the end.  Highly recommended. 

My life is complete.

You knew this was coming.  

If they're not bringing back A Shot at Love, I guess this will have to tide me over. 

Really interesting article

on Obama, attempts at urban-renewal, and the public-private partnerships. From the Boston Globe.

I love America more than you

It's not even close. I love freedom, and I'm in love with freedom.

Also, how about JOEY JAWS bringing home the title belt of the most competitive IFOCE-sanctioned event in legendary fashion?! If Joey had lost to Kobayashi, it basically would have been like going back in time and losing World War II.

And let's face it, Joey is pretty much all we have now.

Disgruntled Goat

There is nothing un-hilarious about a rogue goat with nothing to lose.

It's not just me...

Bab-ehz do not equal happiness.

Even if they're cute.  

Also, Starship Troopers 3: Marauder comes out on DVD August 5th.  Life is good.  

DC in July

Whichever one of you started this blog, you had a good idea. I'm planning on going down to DC next week. Hopefully, I'll see some of you there. I try to be environmental and use public transport, but it seems like the transit gods conspire against me. Amtrak from Albany to DC is $100 (each way), as is Southwest. (Expedia quoted me a fare of $700 each way; one wonders why they bother.) Greyhound is cheaper but takes eight hours. It costs me $45 or so to fill my tank, and with 35 mpg, it seems that's the way to go. Sigh...

Addendum: I was in PA this weekend, and they had some all caps Clearview roadsigns. It was specifically designed as a mixed-case typeface, and the all caps are actually harder to read than standard signs. Stupid. I did see my first Clearview in NY, which was a good sign.

If you're bored

There's this really cool website TED.com, which is the website from this annual high powered technology and design conference, and they have talks from 5-20 minutes by people at the top of every field, from violinists to astrophysicists, talking about some cool project. Just browsing is pretty fun. I just found this talk about a device that costs 25 bucks, and acts as a refrigerator in third world environments without electricity or gas inputs.

Lessons Learned Last Night

• Hot Dog + Bacon = DELICIOUS.
  
• Vodka + Bacon = Drinkable.
• Tequila + Bacon = Gross.
• First floor apartments with gardens and no locks = Vulnerable to theft.
  

Really interesting article on the courts

On how John Roberts is not a partisan hack but actually trying to change the culture of the court, and how that could prevent the court from messing with universal healthcare and other parts of the Democratic agenda.

Jalapenos + Eyes = Painful

Just thought you'd all like to know.
-a

DC in July

Hey everyone, I'm going to be in DC from July 2-July 14 or so, looking to see as many of you as possible. If you're going to be there, and especially if you're looking for July 4 plans, let me know, we'll figure something out.

I am currently in the midst of my second Tyler Perry movie of the month. My Israeli cousins have awful taste. But at least we're done watching Boston Legal. If it wasn't already at the top of the list of Why They Hate Us, it got catapulted up after a latino man berrates William Shatner in Spanish about how the police killed his fighting rooster, and Shatner suggests that maybe he's speaking A-rab.

so why don't you go ahead and come in on Sunday as well

... for some waterboarding.

Post-Colonial Studies

Some of us are bored, lonely, whiny, etc, and have started planning all these trips to other cities to keep in touch, which is probably not really sustainable on a lot of our salaries. So after sending out some articles, videos, and joke emails to various parties, after many brief, depressing IM convos with people who are bored at home, or interesting ones about all the varied experiences people have already had since June 3rd, I decided it would be good to have this all in one central place.
We could just open it up every morning, like the new york times, looking for entertainment or information. And then if you find out that the Shnekhel turns out to be a real word in Hebrew for a two-shekel coin, or if you run into the manager of the florida lotto on J-Date, or you discover mountain dew's anti-aging properties, you can find a ready audience. This collaborative blog, belonging to the fully-dressed post-college group of Conrad, Joyce and Proust, will fix what ails ya.